elrhiarhodan

I’ve never prefaced a fic with an explanation before, but this one – it really needs it. Saturday morning, a friend sent me an email that she was recovering from a bitching attack of the cramps. It’s been a while since I’ve had those, but I do remember the feeling. And I was a little inspired.

So I took a little break from all the angst and wrote this. It is dedicated to all my friends, here and in RL who have problems like Elizabeth Burke does.

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Title: Lunchtime in the Oversharers Universe
Author: elrhiarhodan
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairing: The Harvard Crew, Plus Neal. Peter Burke, Neal Caffrey, Clinton Jones, Diana Berrigan, Neal/Clinton, Neal/Peter, Diana/Elizabeth, Peter/Elizabeth, quite possibly Neal/Peter/Clinton/Diana/Elizabeth
Fandom: White Collar
Spoilers: None
Warnings/Enticements/Triggers: Insane Crack. Crackity crack. Discussion of PMS and possible solutions for The Cramps. Nipples. Abuse of fine EVOO. Marital discord. Breathing. Annoying Behaviour. Basically … crack.
Word Count: ~1200
Summary: You know that foursome at the table next to you in the restaurant you like to escape to for a nice quiet lunch? You both hate them and envy them. They talk too loud about their sexual problems or conquests? Well, these four are those people. You don’t know whether to yell at them to shut the fuck up or to talk louder so you can hear everything.


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Peter, Neal, Clinton and Diana were having lunch at their favorite burger joint. Normally, the four of them refrained from alcohol during lunch, but Peter was hitting the beer kind of hard.

"Slow down tiger." Neal joked but he was a little worried.

Peter ignored him and took another big slug, wiped his lips and hung his head in a good imitation of despair.

Diana, the most perceptive of this very perceptive quartet could see that Peter was troubled. "Problems at home?"

Peter nodded mournfully.

"Wanna talk about it?" Clinton asked, more as a formality. He knew that once Peter got started, he go on until he ran out of gas.

Peter sighed. "It's Elizabeth. She's on the rag."

Diana let out a bark of laughter. "You've been married for over a decade and this is a new discovery?"

"No - she's really on the rag. It’s getting worse ever month. Her mood is awful. She is yelling at me for no reason when she’s not crying. For the past two days, she's made me sleep in the guest bedroom. She says my breathing bothers her. My breathing. What am I supposed to do?"

"Oh man." Neal did his best to hide his smile. For some reason, hearing that the perfect Burke marriage had its real ups and downs was very satisfying.

"And the cramps - she's in pain and I feel so helpless." Peter asked a passing waiter for another beer.

Diana rubbed Peter's arm in sympathy. "Her breasts too?"

"Uh huh. I can't go near them."

"That must be the worst of all." Neal admired Elizabeth for her many fine qualities. Her kindness, her loyalty, her pirate spirit. Her magnificent knockers.

Clinton nodded in agreement. "If I were denied access..." He didn't finish the thought. Peter might hit him.

"You know, boss..." Diana got that look in her eye. "There is an almost foolproof way to get rid of cramps."

Peter seemed to perk up from his depressed mood. "There is?"

"Yeah. Orgasm." Her voice was a little too loud and the waiter who brought Peter's fresh bottle of beer nearly dropped it.

"Oh." His joy deflated. "She won't let me touch her. Doesn't like sex when she's on the rag."

"Peter - 'on the rag' isn't a nice thing to keep saying." Neal sniffed.

"What - would you prefer 'menstruating'?"

"How about, 'when she has her period'?"

"Don't be such a girl, Neal."

Diana punched Peter. "There's nothing wrong with being a girl."

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry." Peter looked mournfully at his drink. "It's rough being me right now - El's angry, uncomfortable and not putting out."

"Seriously, Peter. Orgasms will relieve the cramps." Diana was adamant - Christie, her own personal medical professional proved that to her every damn month.

Clinton perked up. "Can your wife come when you just play with her nipples?"

"Yeah - it's really rather amazing. But she won't let me near her breasts now. We've already established that."

"Maybe you're too rough. I know my tits get super-sensitive during that time of the month."

Peter turned and gave Neal the stink-eye. "You don't have 'that time of the month' Caffrey. You're a guy."

"Au contraire. I live in a house filled with women - and a neutered dog. The pheromones sync up and I get tetchy." Neal didn’t elaborate that both June and her housekeeper were well past the age of fertility.

Clinton chuckled. "That explains why you come over during the third week of each and beg me for a blow job."

"Yeah. Speaking of which - you free tonight? I've got Bridges of Madison County and Alien v. Predator in from Netflix. Wanna do a double feature?" Neal was getting tired of hearing about Peter's sexual woes. He needed a little somethin' somethin' himself.

Clinton agreed. "Appreciate if you could bring the lube too. I'm tired of wasting my good olive oil on sodomy."

"Hey guys...make your plans some other time. When I pick up the bill we talk about me. And my problems." Peter put his bottle down with an emphatic thunk. "If I can make El orgasm - that will help her cramps, right? But if I can't touch her, how can she orgasm?"

"Ever hear of masturbation, boss?" Diana couldn't believe how clueless Peter was.

"El wouldn't do that."

"Because all her orgasms belong to you?"

"No, because we've got white sheets on the bed and she hates using bleach to get the bloodstains out."

"Eeew, gross." Clinton was glad he wasn't a girl.

This time Diana slapped Clinton. "There's nothing gross about it. I bet you've got a cum-rag by your bed."

"Nope."

"No?" Diana was highly skeptical.

"I like to lick it up."

The four of them sighed. Then Neal spoke up. "I've got an idea!"

They looked at him expectantly.

"Maybe someone who's got a little more finesse can help Elizabeth?"

"Are you saying I don't have finesse when I have sex with my wife?"

"No, Peter - not saying that at all. Just saying, maybe El needs someone with a softer touch. Someone a little gentler, more attuned to the feminine body during it's more stressful times."

"Are you volunteering, Mr. Super-Sensitive who gets PMS from his aged landlady?"

Neal glared at Peter. "I would, but I don't think I'm the right person for the job." Neal turned to Diana. "Agent Berrigan, are you up to the task?"

She smiled back. "Operation Burke Marital Harmony? Anything for the boss man."

Peter was so proud of his team. "You'd suck my wife's tits for me? Play with her nipples? Make her come until her cramps go away? You'd do that for me?" He was moved to tears.

"Yeah, boss. It’ll be a hardship, but I’ll do it for you."

"Thank you, thank you." Peter's beery gratitude was a little embarrassing for everyone.

Diana licked her lips. Elizabeth Burke did have the most magnificent tits. “To tell you the truth, I’ve always wondered about your wife’s breasts, what color the nipples were.”

“Do you want me to tell you know, or do you want to discover for yourself?”

“I think I can wait.”

The group sat around the table contemplating the color of Elizabeth Burke’s nipples.

"Um, Peter?"

"Yes, Neal?"

"Can we watch?"

Peter looked from Neal to Clinton. "You'd want to?"

Clinton nodded rapidly. This was one of his fantasies coming true.

Peter slapped his hands down on his thighs and grinned. "Well then, let's go! Time's a-wasting."

He tossed a couple of twenties on the table and pulled out his phone. "Gotta call this in. Let 'em know we won't be back." He dialed and asked for Hughes, but got his voice mail instead. "Listen, Reese. Diana's going to go suck on my wife's nipples to make her feel better. Jones and Caffrey are coming with me to watch. We'll probably all have sex later, so don't expect us back in the office today."

FIN