elrhiarhodan

Title: Three Chapters in an Epic Never Written
Author:  elrhiarhodan
Rating:  R
Characters/Pairing: Tim DeKay, Matt Bomer
Fandom:  White Collar RPF/RPS
Spoilers: None
Warnings/Enticements/Triggers: UST, RPS
Word Count: ~1400
Summary: If they’re not careful, it can all go wrong.


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Part of the Comment Fic Meme, a fill for coffeethyme4me (her prompt is at the end of the story).

1 - Ghosts in My Bed

The nights were the worst.  Long, hot and lonely nights.  He’d talk to Elisa and the kids, wish they were here with him in New York, hang up and beat off to thoughts of his co-star.
 
It hurt – this longing, this needing.  This illicit wanting.  Forty-seven years old and finally a slave to his hormones and his fantasies.  He’d film scenes with Matt and it was all he could do not to rush back to his trailer and rub one off.
 
But it was more than physical, this wanting.  Matt was so damn good.  So fucking perfect.  He was a brilliant actor and a better man and it was so goddamned unfair that neither of them were free and Matt would never think of him as more that his “set best friend.”
 
Time and time again, Matt – Matty – would look at up at him, those blue eyes glowing with admiration and all he wanted to do was force him to his knees and make him suck his cock.
 
Or run away with him to some quiet place, away from this life, these responsibilities.  Maybe a cabin in the woods, or on a lake.  They’d just be together.  Friends, definitely.  Lovers, hopefully.
 
Tim groaned at that domestic fantasy.  What was he thinking.  He loved his wife and children more than anything.
 
But not more than Matty.
 
He got up and took a cold shower.  They had a 6 am morning call and there was no point in trying to sleep.  The bed was filled with ghosts of his own making and it was too crowded to sleep in.

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2 - What is Necessary

Matt knew - he couldn’t help but see it. It was something he was accustomed to. The flashes of lust in the eyes of total and near strangers. He’s seen it in the faces of his fans and his colleagues. It disconcerted him once, a long time ago - now it simply amused him.

Except when he saw it in Tim. The desire and the self-disgust. Lust and shame.

They were still friends, of course - nothing was going to change that - but he wanted to die a little every time that Tim put distance between them. He supposed it made for good performances - especially this season when their characters were so much at odds.

At first, it was really kind of awful. They were married, they had children and home lives that most people can only dream about. Tim was straight, for chrissake. But still …

It was really kind of wonderful. And heady. And powerful.

And he was such a total shit. Pretending that he never noticed, pushing the barriers all the time. Touching and standing close and staying just within Tim’s ambit as much as possible.

Simon once asked him about Tim, a very innocent-seeming question - “what’s he like?”

Matt didn’t gush - not the way he did when asked the same question by noisy reporters. No, all he said to his husband was that Tim was one of the best men he ever met. Simon gave him the look - the stop bullshitting me look. Matt just shrugged and changed the subject.

Truth was, he had feelings. Serious feelings. The kind of feelings that wrecked careers and marriages and lives.

If it was just lust, he’d have packed them away - or at least just used them when he was alone, in the shower and beating off. But they weren’t just about fucking or getting fucked. He could see a life with Tim - the way he once saw his life with Simon. Damn, the way he still saw his life with Simon. And he knew that Tim had those thoughts too.

The air conditioning in his apartment clicked on, but it didn’t cool him down. Desire chased dreams like cats chased mice.

He reached for his phone - to call Simon, who’d be up and always willing to talk. But his touched Tim’s number and he didn’t cancel the call.

“Matt? What’s the matter?” Tim’s voice wasn’t gravelly from sleep. He sounded as awake and alert as if it were three in the afternoon, not three after midnight.

“Nothing … everything.” Matt closed his eyes. “Listen - can I come over now?”

There was silence on the other end. Finally Tim said, “Do you think that’s wise?” His words were quiet, almost emotionless.

“No, but I think it’s necessary.”

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3 - The Words Make It Real

Matt stood in the entry to Tim’s building - his finger hovered over the buzzer. This was an irrevocable step. He could walk away now, Tim would never say anything, their lives would go on.

He pressed the button and a few seconds later, the buzzer sounded and the front door unlocked. At almost four AM, there was no one in the lobby or in the elevator and all he could hear was his heart beat as he walked down the hallway.

He knocked and Tim opened the door, not saying anything. He stood there, hands in his pockets, scared and indecisive.

Tim finally spoke. “Why are you here?”

He couldn’t meet the other man’s eyes. “I -- don’t know. I shouldn’t be.”

“No, you shouldn’t. You should be in your own bed, dreaming of your husband and your family.” Tim’s voice was quiet, sad. Resigned.

“I know. And I could ask you, why did you let me in?”

Tim sighed. “For the same reason you’re here.”

They sat down together, a clock ticking the only break in the silence. “This is wrong, this will wreck everything.” Matt dropped his head in his hands. “It would have been so much easier if you said no, don’t come over.”

“It would have been even easier if you never called, or never rang the bell, or never walked in the door.”

Matt looked at him. “So this is my fault?”

“No, not just your fault. Mine too. What right do I have to feel like this? What right do I have to love you?”

Matt was shocked - he didn’t know what he expected tonight, but he didn’t expect Tim to just put it out there. His reaction must have shown on his face.

“What did you think was going to happen tonight, Matty? That you’d come over, we’d get our rocks off and it would all go back to normal tomorrow. Did you think it was just lust?”

Matt could hear the anger in Tim’s voice.

“Did you think I’d risk everything for a quick fuck?”

“No. No.” He was paralyzed to make a choice.

“I guess my question is - is that what you came here for? Are you so hard up, you’ll take anyone?”

“How dare you, how dare you. I came here because …” He stood up, angry and ready to -- Do what? Fight? Flee?

Tim looked up at him - piercing his soul. “Matt - unless you can tell me why you’re here - you should go. I’ll see you tomorrow. We’ll be fine.”

Matt shook his head, agony and shame at his own cowardliness roiling his gut. “Tim - I can’t say it. I can’t say the words to make it real. It scares me too much.”

“Then we go on as we were. We stay sane, we stay safe.” All the heat was gone from Tim - as if it never was.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

Matt’s heart wasn’t exactly light as he left. He knew this wouldn’t be the last time he’d turn up at Tim’s door in the middle of the night.

FIN

For the prompt from coffeethyme4me: Tim/Matt - angsty UST.